VATICAN COMMISSION - NO SUCH THING AS A CONSCIENCE

(DISSOCIATED PRESS, Ap 26 12)


The Pontifical Office for Speculative Scientific Evanescence (P.O.S.S.E) announced today that it had concluded there is no such thing as a human conscience.


Pope Benedict XVI is said to have rejoiced in his private apartments, when the news was shouted to him.


The Posse, appointed by Pope Alexander III in 1171, has been working hard in recent centuries. Insiders speculate that the Posse was stimulated to put the finishing touches to its 74-volume report, on the heels of the Pontifical denunciation of US nuns, who, by thinking, have strayed far from the traditional teachings of the church.


The complete report is entitled Potest te credere? Tibi ad. (Can you believe it? You have to.)

The Posse issued a 96-page Digest, which helpfully contained a Preface which reads in its entirety: "Turns out, what everyone thought was a troubled conscience is indigestion. Gas pains!" 

In a touching sidelight, Posse Chairman, Cardinal Putritto Wannabetti, 96, insisted on hand-delivering the report. Wannabetti personally transfered the volumes from his little wagon directly into the Pope's little wagon.


Sadly, the exertion was too much for Wannabetti, who collapsed at volume 52. The Cardinal was carried back to his private apartments over the shoulder of his ever-present assistant, Archbishop Roque Scorto, 29.


The US Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) are now likely to revamp their anti-health care Freedom of Religion initiative. 


USCCB head Cardinal Tim Dolan issued a brief statement, under the heading "Problems Solved!"

"It is now clear that the only play is what the religious institution dictates. This applies to whatever social issue you wanna come up with. We will hit a home run on every pitch! 

Abortion? The only choice is whether the woman gets to keep the kid. We will decide that case by case.

Wayward Nuns? It's back to the classroom and the charity ward for every last one of them, except for the ones who lay out our little red slippers.

The terrible social scourge of pedophilia? Boys will be boys!"

Lawyers for priests presently on trial for raping or covering up the rape of minors are expected to move for dismissal on the grounds that since there is no such thing as a conscience, there can be no intent to do anything, good or bad, until Benedict XVI tells everyone what to do. 


A Vatican insider was heard to say, "Too bad the Posse did not finish their work before the Reformation. Luther was wrong about everything except the intrinsic value of farting. This proves it."

"Catholic pupils support gay marriage equality"

Excerpts follow with emphasis added, and also the Source:

Students at a Catholic state school in south London have been shown a presentation on religious opposition to the government’s proposal to allow gay couples to marry in civil ceremonies which, it is claimed, encouraged them to sign the Coalition for Marriage’s petition against the move.

[. . .]

The Catholic Education Service confirmed to PinkNews.co.uk that it had written to at least 359 Catholic state secondary schools in England and Wales last month asking them to draw attention to a letter by senior archbishops which told Catholics of their “duty” to do “all we can to ensure that the true meaning of marriage is not lost for future generations”.

It also asked schools to “draw attention” to the Coalition for Marriage campaign and petition against civil marriage equality, which now has over 460,000 signatures.

Responding on the school’s behalf, the Catholic Education Service said St Philomena’s itself had designed the presentation which is said to have encouraged minors to add their names to that campaign.

It confirmed the presentations for all age groups had consisted of the Archbishops’ letter and ended with a slide displaying the Coalition for Marriage’s website and the words: “Sign the petition”

[. . .]

A sixth form student told PinkNews.co.uk of her experience: 

“In our assembly for the whole Sixth Form you could feel people bristling as she explained parts of the letter and encouraged us to sign the petition.

“She said things about gay marriage and civil partnerships being unnatural. It was just a really out-dated, misjudged and heavily biased presentation.”

She added that students had begun to respond: 

“A few of us in my year are buying Gay Pride badges to pin on our uniform and thought about staging a Stonewall coup by posting the ‘Some people are gay – get over it’ posters around school.”

“Most importantly though, there are several people in my year who aren’t heterosexual – myself included – and I for one was appalled and actually disgusted by what they were encouraging.

“After all, that’s discrimination they were urging impressionable people to engage in, which is unacceptable.”

[. . .]

SOURCES:

Catholic school ‘urged pupils as young as 11 to sign anti-gay marriage petition’

Catholic pupils support gay marriage equality | Queering the Church

AVAILABLE NOW! TEN OR MORE PRESTIGIOUS SECRET SERVICE JOBS

OJO - FYI - JOB OPENINGS - 10 or more positions are opening up at the Secret Service. Excellent salary, benefits, overseas travel, your own gunney gun gun.

This could be your big upward move . . .

. . . unless you have already been characterized by your current employer or in the media as "a knucklehead" or "a complete idiot."

Colombian Escort Speaks About Secret Service Scandal - NYTimes.com

TIGER WOODS DEDICATES FINAL MASTERS ROUND TO HIS SON, "WHAT'S-HIS-NAME"

Augusta, GA 4/8/12: (Disassociated Press) 



TIGER WOODS DEDICATES FINAL MASTERS ROUND TO HIS SON, "WHAT'S-HIS-NAME"



Tiger Woods, announced today that he was dedicating his final Masters' round to his son, whose name he could not recall to reporters. 


"I'm gonna lose this tournament," Tiger said, adding, "It's only fitting that I associate my poor play with my son. He is pretty much guaranteed to be a loser, since I give up on fatherhood in exchange for bedding every prostitute I could get hold of."


"Oh, and I'm gonna go back to my old name, too. 


"From now on, call me Eldrick Tont - El Tonto for short."