(DISSOCIATED PRESS, Ap 26 12)
The Pontifical Office for Speculative Scientific Evanescence (P.O.S.S.E) announced today that it had concluded there is no such thing as a human conscience.
Pope Benedict XVI is said to have rejoiced in his private apartments, when the news was shouted to him.
The Posse, appointed by Pope Alexander III in 1171, has been working hard in recent centuries. Insiders speculate that the Posse was stimulated to put the finishing touches to its 74-volume report, on the heels of the Pontifical denunciation of US nuns, who, by thinking, have strayed far from the traditional teachings of the church.
The complete report is entitled Potest te credere? Tibi ad. (Can you believe it? You have to.)
In a touching sidelight, Posse Chairman, Cardinal Putritto Wannabetti, 96, insisted on hand-delivering the report. Wannabetti personally transfered the volumes from his little wagon directly into the Pope's little wagon.
Sadly, the exertion was too much for Wannabetti, who collapsed at volume 52. The Cardinal was carried back to his private apartments over the shoulder of his ever-present assistant, Archbishop Roque Scorto, 29.
The US Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) are now likely to revamp their anti-health care Freedom of Religion initiative.
USCCB head Cardinal Tim Dolan issued a brief statement, under the heading "Problems Solved!"
Lawyers for priests presently on trial for raping or covering up the rape of minors are expected to move for dismissal on the grounds that since there is no such thing as a conscience, there can be no intent to do anything, good or bad, until Benedict XVI tells everyone what to do.
A Vatican insider was heard to say, "Too bad the Posse did not finish their work before the Reformation. Luther was wrong about everything except the intrinsic value of farting. This proves it."
Sadly, the exertion was too much for Wannabetti, who collapsed at volume 52. The Cardinal was carried back to his private apartments over the shoulder of his ever-present assistant, Archbishop Roque Scorto, 29.
The US Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) are now likely to revamp their anti-health care Freedom of Religion initiative.
USCCB head Cardinal Tim Dolan issued a brief statement, under the heading "Problems Solved!"
"It is now clear that the only play is what the religious institution dictates. This applies to whatever social issue you wanna come up with. We will hit a home run on every pitch!
Abortion? The only choice is whether the woman gets to keep the kid. We will decide that case by case.
Wayward Nuns? It's back to the classroom and the charity ward for every last one of them, except for the ones who lay out our little red slippers.
The terrible social scourge of pedophilia? Boys will be boys!"
Lawyers for priests presently on trial for raping or covering up the rape of minors are expected to move for dismissal on the grounds that since there is no such thing as a conscience, there can be no intent to do anything, good or bad, until Benedict XVI tells everyone what to do.
A Vatican insider was heard to say, "Too bad the Posse did not finish their work before the Reformation. Luther was wrong about everything except the intrinsic value of farting. This proves it."
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